A Letter To Self

One of the most important parts of my healing was to forgive myself. For what, you might be wondering. Why did I need to forgive myself for someone else’s fault? I needed to forgive myself because with sexual abuse comes a flood of guilt and shame, and I felt it, like other survivors do initially.

When I went to see Sushant for the first time, he asked me an interesting question - “How do you feel when you look at yourself into the mirror - good, bad or indifferent?”
I replied with “indifferent”, but realized later that I actually didn't feel good about myself. In fact, I hated some of the things about myself. As I progressed on the path of healing, I realized that I needed to let go of the guilt I had been latching on to for years. So, inspired by a suggestion I found online, I wrote myself a letter.

Dear Anahita,

Although I've hated you all these years for not standing up for yourself and suffering in silence, today, I want you to know that I forgive you.

I forgive you for not telling anyone the first time it had happened. Had you told someone, things could have been different. But you were a confused child, clueless of what was happening. You were scared, so scared that you decided to bury these secrets in the layers of passing time.

I forgive you for the times you didn't even oppose to what was happening to you and stood still and numb, waiting for the nightmare to end. I now know that it is one of the body’s ways to react to disturbing situations.

I forgive you for thinking about ending your life so often. Sometimes the pain is too much to endure, but you have come out stronger and I’m proud of you.

I forgive you for trusting the wrong people to find emotional closure. It is human nature to want to be understood and the tough time you were already going through led you to make choices guided by negative feelings of insecurity and worthlessness.

I forgive you for the scars you've left on your body by deliberately hurting yourself, and the pleasure you found when you got wounded. I understand how the pain within was so excruciating that you chose to numb it with the external pain.

I forgive you for underestimating yourself at many points of time. I want you to know that it was normal for a young girl whose self esteem had been rattled by the storms of sexual abuse.

I forgive you for being harsh on yourself by undermining and denying all that you had gone through. Unsavoury memories can be very disturbing and I know you did all you could to survive life.

I forgive you for hiding your true self and the compassion in you because you didn't want to seem like an easy target to people who were willing to hurt you again.

Although I forgive you, I want you to take the responsibility of your actions. I want you to know that mistakes are made so that you can learn from them and I’m glad that you already have.

I have set you free from the shackles of guilt and shame. I know how liberated you would be feeling right now. I want you to know that I believe in your dreams. I believe in your power. I believe in YOU.

Love,

Anahita.